Finding Independence

By Mal

"You can be blocked from finding your own independence and passions when controlled and molded into what people believe will be best fitting in our society, not necessarily for you."

Mal: Society expects a lot. People can be molded at a young age and grow a certain amount within those boundaries that are set. Whether that be from a specific culture's, expectations, religion, societal norms, or even from ones closest to you, your family.

You can be blocked from finding your own independence and passions when controlled and molded into what people believe will be best fitting in our society, not necessarily for you.

Rebelling and making a hard decision can open you up to a whole new world of possibilities and allow one to venture deeper into themselves and find independence and passions.

Tell me about your childhood.

YoonSun Choi: I was born in Korea and I grow up in Seoul with four other siblings. And it was, interesting time in Korea. Still developing, cause they just got out of the Korean War.

When I was born, 1967, it's only about fifteen years after Korean Wars ended. But, I didn't realize that we were, you know, having difficult time, cause my father and mother did very well. So as a architect and construction, grandpa, my father, was a part of rebuilding Korea. So I've seen a lot of construction happening. And we were very well-to-do. We had a car, we had a people... helping us around household. It was a pretty good life growing up. And by the time I became fifteen years old, I wanted to study in America, and it was just sort of offered. But, I came to America to study by myself.

Mal: My mother has told me stories about the expectations brought upon her and her siblings growing up. This sort of molding wasn't any abuse. It was an act of love. My grandparents, like my mother, never did anything out of hatred or malintent. The molding of their children was based off the time, environment, culture, society's expectations. They were doing what was best for their children because they loved them.

Was your family against you going to America to study by yourself?

YoonSun Choi: I think it initially was a little bit difficult for my mom, because I was studying cello and my mom thought that it would be better for me to be educated since it's western music. But, my mom was more concerned about being a woman, a girl, going a foreign country. Cause in, in Korea they still had a stigma of American soldiers and all lady friends, being with American soldiers are considered to be lower class. And just being influenced by Western culture, wasn't popular in Korea. They had a mixed feeling. However, grandpa was very much for educated by foreign countries, you know, educated in America because he wanted to further study. However, he had a family to raise. He actually, he came to UC Berkeley and Souther Library, and he really wanted everyone to study in America. Eventually, my mother agreed, so I came as a fifteen-year-old to study at San Francisco Conservatory of Music. Yeah, so everyone agreed.

Mal: When I was young, I never thought of my mother as one who was trying to mold me, like her parents tried her. However, growing up in San Francisco, the culture and expectations are different from Korea’s. I began to rebel at a young age. At one point, I decided that I needed to do things based off what I wanted to do, what made me happy. I always hated being told what to. I used to go out of my way to make my mother upset or uneasy when she tried to mold me.

Now, I still somewhat have that same internal feeling of hating being told what to do, but I look back and I'm grateful for the things that my mother has done for me. Without it, I would not have been able to set boundaries or develop any sense of independence.

Mal: How was it for you, moving away from your family at such a young age?

YoonSun Choi: It's kind of funny, Mallie, you asking me this question. As being a middle child out of five, I was really wanting to get out of the household in a sense, funny enough that my mother was very controlling, very directive. I was excited to get out. I really wanted to be far away and wanted to be independent because growing up in Asian culture, you probably noticed it when you were little, the parent's job is molding you into certain boxes. You know, molding you into what they think it is important and what they see is that it is best for you.

So I think my mom being an educator, she always wanted to mold every one of us the way she want us to be molded. But I guess as a young person and my personality, I did not wanna fit into that mold. I wanted to be who I wanna be. Initially I was so happy to be far away from my parents, and of course my parents were very much involved because back then I had to stay with my father's friend. And I was still a little puppet, grandma was still controlling from Korea, asking me to call, you know, morning in the afternoon and evening. She just checked on me quite a bit. But I loved it. Of course, there were moments that I missed my family, I missed my sister, I missed my grandmother, but it was very good for my... developing as an independent person.

Mal: At a certain age, my mother stopped trying to mold me. She wanted me to find myself like she found herself.

Continuing on that topic, how do you think that it influenced you and molded you into the person you are today? Did it teach you anything, and would you do it again?

YoonSun Choi: Would I do it again? I think I could've maybe wait until maybe I was eighteen, but yes, definitely I would do it again. I would’ve loved to spend more time with my mom and dad as a child and being with my sisters and brother. But, would I do it again? Yes, I would definitely do it again, because it did make me very independent and strong woman, and I also experienced a different culture and the diversity being in America.

It opened up quite a bit, you know. I came as a cello student, studying music, and got my master's in music performance. However, I realized that that's not something that I wanted to do, and my love for social work kind of sort of shifted. So I'm doing social work. I found my independence. I don't think if I was under my parents, I would never become a social worker and I would not able to be actually working as an independent woman, because in Korea it's usually, even though you are educated, you will be married and you will be, become a household wife, house woman. It really changed a lot. There is a direction that I become very strong, independent, and it helped me a lot to make decisions for myself. I have strongly encouraged any of my children. You know, Mal, you're a very independent woman and independent girl that would like to experience and see the world. That's what I would like to support for my children. Yeah. But I want you to experience the world and shape who you are, by experiencing.

Mal: Society expects a lot.

Being molded at a young age can cause a stunt in internal growth.

Molded into what people believe will be the best fitting in our society.

Sometimes rebelling and making a hard decision can open you up into a whole new realm of possibilities, and allow one to venture in deeper into themselves and find their independence and passions.

It is possible, as long as you find a way to step outside of your mold and truly find yourself by yourself.