Mama

By Sora

"Lying together on the cold hospital floor, both our eyes [were] brimming with tears. In that moment, we established an unspoken agreement, an unwritten contract to forever be each other’s everything."

Sora: I, the unfilial daughter incapable of meeting the expectations of the ideal daughter, and you, the inadequate mother incapable of fulfilling the principles of maternity. We both feel as if we fail to fit our respective roles as a daughter and a mother. But where do these fears come from? For all we do is share our love and appreciation for one another. Is it because we fear the prospect of disappointing each other? Or is it because we fear that our love won’t withstand the ephemerality of life?

My mom has always been an influential person in my life, so I wanted to know how becoming a mother and having me as her child impacted her life.

We often talk about our mother-daughter relationship and how we’ve grown up together over the years, but you had me at such a young age. Right? You were 21. And you were also freshly new to the country. How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?

Asami: I really don’t remember. I just worry about how your dad and your grandma and Jiji (“Jiji” meaning “grandpa” in Japanese) would react.

Sora: And how did they react?

Asami: So, you know your dad and I were deeply in love, but we’d just met, so we were only thinking about ourselves. So when I told him, he was just… speechless. And then, I told my dad next, and he was also shocked. But the first thing he say was, “How are you going to tell your mom?” My mom was going through depression and then her father, my grandpa, had just died, so I didn’t want to give her another worry. But eventually I told her, and she was against it. She told me that if I decided to go through with the pregnancy, “You’re not gonna have home to come back to.”

Sora: But despite that, you went through with the pregnancy. Why?

Asami: Some time, I stopped worrying about what other wanted me to do. And then I finally thought of what I wanted and that was to have you.

Sora: So you gave birth to me. How did you feel when you first saw me?

Sora: So you gave birth to me. How did you feel when you first saw me?

Asami: I just couldn't believe that I had become a mother. But I remember your dad went home for a while, and it was just me and you in the room. And I was in the bed and you were in the crib, and then you start crying. But I had gotten an epidural, so I couldn't stand up. And then I called for a nurse, but no one came. So I got up and I walked to your crib and then I pick you up.

I immediately fell back, but my only concern was... to not drop you. So I used my body as a shield to protect you. And then the next day, I found bruises on my elbow. [Laughter]

Sora: Lying together on the cold hospital floor, both our eyes brimming with tears. In that moment, we established an unspoken agreement, an unwritten contract to forever be each other’s everything.

Now, despite having, you know, a rough start to motherhood and for me, a tricky childhood, we have a great bond and we often say that we are each other’s soulmate. Why do you think that is?

Asami: I think it’s just a natural connection. I feel like I was meant to give birth to you and then meet you. But we also went through the good and the bad experience and support each other as we navigated our life in America.

Sora: Yeah, you were always sensitive to my needs and my emotions and you never really shut me down. And I think unconsciously I put all my trust in you, and you sensed that. And so you never disappointed me. And I view myself as an extension of you and you of me.

Asami: Hmm.

Sora: My mother’s decision to have me under difficult circumstances taught me the value of perseverance. Because of her perseverance, I was welcomed into a multicultural family, allowing me to adopt different values and traditions that shape my character. Because of her perseverance I’ve been shown the power of immutable love and how to instill it in others. And because of her perseverance, I will forever be indebted to her, for her decision and character have granted me the ability to live my life with felicity and freedom.