Seeing Myself

by Roei Arnold

“As someone who lives in two worlds, two cultures, two languages, and almost carries two lives, my name has always been an unavoidable obstacle.”

Every time I get asked what my name is, the immediate internal panic begins. Is it really worth telling them my correctly pronounced name, or should I just skip the embarrassment and let my name remain forgettable and not problematic? My parents chose the name Roei. As it is written in the Bible, Roei means seeing me, or God sees me. My parents always had a hard time with the fact that I would go out of my way to make it easier for people to pronounce my name. "Why ruin such a pretty name?" They would ask. As someone who lives in two worlds, two cultures, two languages, and almost carries two lives, my name has always been an unavoidable obstacle. I've lived in California almost my whole life, but my entire family is in Israel, and I spend every summer there and remain very close to my family and the culture.

When I excitedly introduced myself in Israel because people can finally pronounce my name correctly, I'm immediately hit with the usual response. "Isn't that a boy's name?" So yes, it is popularly a boy's name. So I usually smile and just laugh it off. In America, the response I usually get after introducing myself is the overly-polite, "Pardon?"

Now some may say that one's name truly reflects their personality, and I agree. My name means “sees me.” Whether it is my friends, family, or myself, I see. I think I've come to learn the power of my name as I see the power and the traits it brings along with it. Like my mom, I'm extremely aware of my surroundings. I take notice of every little twitch in people's behavior, or emotions they may portray. My mom has an unusual talent for this, too. There hasn't been a single time where I've come home mildly upset and my mom hasn't noticed. Whether it's a bad practice, an argument with a friend, my mom always knows what's up. Emotions I don't even realize I'm feeling or can put a finger on, my mom can almost instantly identify.

I think I most prominently remember this when I realized how much power I have in my hands when I see people's emotions. I have always had an ongoing conversation with my parents over utilizing the fact that I can identify people's emotions to their benefit rather than mine. I'll never forget when my parents opened my eyes to the effect of my actions on other people, especially my little brother. "Why?" They would ask. "When you see your little brother is already struggling to keep up with responses in arguments, do you taunt him and push him overboard?" I'll never remember—I’ll never forget the shock I felt. Wow, my words matter. My actions affect other people around me.

My basketball coach once pulled me aside to tell me he was disappointed with my behavior in practice. Basketball—my safe space, where I can clear my head. Even here I was messing up? He said, "I know that when you want to bring your all, everyone brings their all, but when you don't bring your 100%, nobody brings their 100%." I've tried to acknowledge what people are feeling and use it to push the group farther.

From birth, I was literally defined to see people and see myself. When my mom notices the small nuances on me and all the people she works with during the day, she doesn't use it against them. She doesn't see me come home upset and purposely upset me more for the sake of upsetting, but rather she realizes this is a time when I need someone to help me up, and that's what she does. I've gained such an incredible trait of observing people's emotions, that it would be a shame to throw it away by using it against people. Reading people is a power that can be used to support, to build, or to break someone.

I'd like to help people see themselves by seeing and addressing them, just like God sees me. In the Bible, God came to Hagar in a time of hardship, when she was completely lost, and saw her. That is the first time one sees my name in the text. God gives Hagar power and strengthens her. He doesn't tease her or make her life harder. Maybe when I recognize and utilize the potential power the meaning of my name could bring, I would want people to correctly pronounce my name.