Two Lamp Shades

BY AMERICA

Please Note: This recording includes recollections of childhood trauma. The story may be disturbing or difficult to hear. If you are a youth and need help or support, call or text the California Youth Crises Line at 1.800.843.5200.

“How would you describe to someone what it means to have a sibling? It's like someone to kind of share your parents' downfalls with.”

America: What was it like having a sibling?

Azucena: I wanted a sibling. I think we're close. I think we’re like friends [both laugh]. But it wasn't always like that. You know. I think at first the age difference was, like, really big because I used to think you were annoying [both laugh], because you always wanted to play restaurant [both laugh]. But I loved playing Barbies [both laugh].

America: How would you describe to someone what it means to have a sibling?

Azucena: My first thought was like, someone that understands, like, your parents. It's like someone to kind of share your parents' downfalls with.

America: Tell me about the time you said our mom got drunk and broke a door. Tell me about that.

Azucena: That was crazy… because, for a long time, I didn't know that mom was also an alcoholic. She was a lot better at like, hiding it, or something. But with mom, when she would get, like, really drunk, the outbursts would be a lot more dramatic than with Dad. A few times we called the police, and CPS came.

America: What were the visits like?

Azucena: They only came once. I felt gaslighted the whole time.

America: And was this before our mom broke the door or after?

Azucena: It might have been before.

America: So yeah, clearly nothing really changed. CPS coming didn't… it wasn't like any type of wake up call for them.

Azucena: No, they never wake up [both laugh].

America: So tell me exactly what happened that day with our mom.

Azucena: I think, just as I got older, I got more and more tired of them and it was less, sadness and just more anger. So I would just, like, poke the bear and you know, the bear swung back.

America: Is our mom the bear?

Azucena: Yeah. [Azucena laughs]. With like, a fucking pipe or something. I don't really remember like, exactly what I said or like what we argued about.

I feel like, I guess we should be together for this or whatever [Azucena laughs]. And then I went into your room and then, we locked the door.

America: Is this all you remember? You don't remember anything specific or like even, what she said or, how everything escalated so quickly?

Azucena: I don't.

America: Wow. I do. I remember that day, like, crystal clear.

Azucena: Well what was it?

America: Basically mom was like, drunk, right? It was early in the morning and mom was knocking on your door and she wanted someone to talk to, you, obviously, like you said, you're angry. You didn't want to listen to her. You wanted her to leave you alone. And so, she got a knife and picked the lock on your door. And we got into my room and we locked the door and, she went into the garage and got the pipe and started banging at my door.

And you had your head against the door. And so, had she done it in the wrong direction, she would have hit your skull, or your spine.

Azucena: Yeah, that sounds like, way crazier than I remember [both laugh]. We definitely like, experienced that together. I think that, um, cause you know, part of the cycle of like, alcoholism is that like no one talks about it. So I think part of, like, having a sibling go through that also is that there is someone you can talk to about it.

America: I don't remember how things went back to normal after that.

Azucena: Eventually she came home that night.

America: Mm-hmm.

Azucena: And the next day we acted like nothing happened [both laugh].

America: Do you ever feel like you're the one that raised me?

Azucena: Maybe I would say that I picked up the slack.

America: Were there ever feelings of regret?

Azucena: No! You're ridiculous. No.

America: Why am I, why is that ridiculous?

Azucena: How could I regret... you? It's kind of like, okay. So things that come to my head are like, best friend. Matching living room lamp shades.

America: Do you particularly feel like the left or right lampshade?

Azucena: I don't know [Azucena laughs]. Maybe the right one [both laugh].

America: Why? How does that make you feel?

Azucena: Cause it's slightly taller [both laugh].